It has been exactly a year since I proposed to the love of my life, now my wife. I can still remember how it got to that point and how I came to that decision with everything I got. Trust me, there’s no better feeling than pursuing God’s best for your love life.
So let me guess, the reason why you are reading this blog post is because somehow you would want to seek marriage in the future or probably it’s your friend who wants to seek marriage someday and you want to help your friend, that’s why you’re reading this post. (I understand)
So whatever reason you may have, let me share with you some of the things I have learned during the season I was seeking marriage.
Know your reason for marriage.
What are your reasons in pursuing or considering marriage? If you’re considering marriage because you think it will solve all your problems as a single person. Then let me be the one to break it to you and tell you that’s not how marriage works. If the truth be told, marriage actually magnifies any unresolved issue that you may have so you better deal with whatever issue that you can deal with now while you’re still single. At the same time, there are issues in your life where marriage can be used to reflect God’s amazing grace for you and honestly, marriage can also become at times the great setup where in God deals with you the issue that you have because you may not have seen that issue in your life until you were married. That is what’s so amazing about marriage because it can bring out the best in you and yet it can also bring out the worst in you but not without hope. I’ve also realized that as a single person, you have the tendency to destructively over-desire marriage and also destructively over-dismiss marriage. Know that both are not healthy views to carry along as a single person. So why would you want to get married? Seek God’s best reason for you!
Having the same Faith is important.
If you are considering a partner in life, it is very important that you share the same values and convictions in life. In marriage, if your partner doesn’t share the same values and convictions with you then probably he/she doesn’t understand it the way you do. He/she does not understand the principles and motivations that you have in life. The essence of intimacy in marriage is the amazing and beautiful realization that finally you have someone who really understands you and accepts you as you are, someone you don’t have to hide from. But if the person doesn’t have the same Faith as you have, he or she cannot understand your very essence and heart. If you marry someone who does not share your faith, you will have to lose your transparency.
Look for attraction in its most complete sense.
Physical attraction is something that must grow between marriage partners and it will come easily if you have the deeper attraction I’m speaking of. A “complete” attraction is something you can begin to experience if you intentionally disable the appearance-and-status screening default mode of our culture.
By “complete attraction” what I mean is being attracted to a person’s character, virtue, passion and mission in life. Fall in love with a person’s virtue and purpose in life more than his/her physical appearance because you would want to fall in love with a person not just a physical body. So marry that person’s character and virtues in life and soon enough your physical attraction with each other will grow even deeper.
Don’t romanticize things too fast.
One of the great things about the old-school type of courtship and dating is that the approach is very natural and healthy. In real courtship and dating, the two people get to see one another in more natural settings, such as the family home, and in their community. My suggestion is why not focus on friendship experiences early on. A healthy community provides plenty opportunities for this. The reason why sex before marriage can destroy romance, is really because when two people decide to pursue deeper intimacy too quickly, it can compromise the beauty of falling in love with someone who is committed to you first and would gladly wait for marriage to enjoy deeper intimacy with you.
Embrace community input.
What I learned is that, marriage, is not to be based on a singular decision but rather should take place in the context of community. Yes it will be you and you alone who will have to decide on who to marry but if you wont pursue the wisdom of people who can help you decide then you’re missing a lot. Having a community that can help you in your season of marriage seeking is one of the best investments you can have as you enter marriage.
So let the marriage seeking begin! Enjoy!